First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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