I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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