I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
