She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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