The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
