Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
