if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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