he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize