I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
