He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
