watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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