i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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