I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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