i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
