She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
