He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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