Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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