Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She even gives head with a lisp.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
