You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
