I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
