dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
