I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
