haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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