Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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