Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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