Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
