If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize