Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
