Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
