Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
