Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
