Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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