Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
