I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sex in a hospital.. check
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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