Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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