Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
