You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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