i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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