I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize