Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
