Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize