You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
