I'm lost and stupid without you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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