So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
