if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
