Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize