my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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