FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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