we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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