Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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