remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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