A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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