I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
