is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
