I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
