I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize